5 Rules for Low-Stress International Couples Travel
Liam and I arriving on Railay Beach in Ao Nang, Thailand in January of 2024.
10 minutes before this photo, as I was stepping from the dock down onto the long boat, a wave hit and my heavy backpack lunged forward and above me, taking me head first into the bottom of the boat.
We were with a group of strangers, who each offered condolences in a different language. In this photo, my hat is covering up a freshly skinned forehead, while my smile is covering up the last bits of embarrassment.
We've all been there.
It’s 2pm the day you arrive, the place you’re staying isn’t ready yet, it’s ungodly hot and humid, and your travel clothes are beginning to stink.
You’re tired, you’re hungry, your phone is nearly dead and and your partner just accused you of packing the wrong adapter.
This is the moment when the "romantic international getaway" fantasies end, and the survival instincts kick in.
Sure, you got to your destination, but not without weird tension, accusations, and snappiness that feels real called for at the time, but not so good a couple of breaths after.
Or maybe the thought of international travel with your partner is so overwhelming, you’ve never even considered it. If you read this title and thought “yeah. fucking. right.” this one’s for you too.
International travel is amazing, and it’s also a guaranteed stress test for any relationship. It’s full of changes and possible mishaps.
When you’re exhausted, hungry, and operating outside your comfort zone, it’s easy to snap at the one person you need to rely on most during you couples vacation.
After multiple global adventures, silly fights and sweet repairs, Liam and I have developed a few ground rules (complete with scripts) that keep us focused on enjoying our nice couples vacation.
JSYK, this post isn't going to give you all the tips for avoiding stress while traveling internationally- that’s impossible!
It's all about having intentional strategies to communicate, implement, and adjust according to your unique relationship.
You won’t get it perfect.
Even after years of couples travel, we mess up.
My privilege guilt kicks in and I become rigid and blue, Liam’s hangry-ness says something out of pocket.
The difference for us now?
We repair the rupture quicker and with more compassion than when we started traveling together.
It helps that I’m a therapist and have access to lots of Gottman-inspired ways to see and work with my relationship, and Liam defaults to confidence and ease in stressful situations.
Still, it didn’t just happen.
We decided we wanted better and built a system designed to work with our energy and enthusiasm.
I want to share the ideas that work for us, to make your couples international travel easier and more satisfying.
Here’s our system for keeping our focus on fun, food, and learning from the folks who live in the places that we’re lucky enough to experience.
While you’re here grab our FREE guide, Travel Talk: A Guide to Radically Aligned Couples’ Travel with 125+ essential questions and therapist-approved prompts and tools to simplify planning and eliminate unnecessary stress.
Rule #1:
Divide Labor with Curiosity
The first conflict starts at home when the planning feels unbalanced. Sometimes, this is called the mental load (PS, if you’re in a relationship, you should read about this anyways.)
We solve this by skipping the rigid assignment of roles and instead use a flexible division based on each other’s current capacity and genuine excitement.
Our commitment:
Divide Labor Based on Capacity and Enthusiasm
We do a mental check-in:
Who has the time and energy this week? Who is excited about researching the entry requirements? Who has credit card or airline points to use? Who wants to look into rental cars?
The person who volunteers or shows the most interest and capacity takes the lead on that task.
This relies on mutual trust: we believe each other when we share our capacity. (Even if that means one person does more work for one vacation. And we don’t use it as something to hold over the other’s head.)
We avoid pre-booking most activities and skip the touristy tours and expeditions, instead reserving our energy for a single, mutually agreed-upon "must-do" experience.
Scripts for checking in on capacity:
This process is about communication- not accusation. We use curiosity to make sure everything is covered.
When one partner is taking on too much planning: Say this: "Hey, I notice you’re working on the flights, the rentals, and the document stuff. What’s one of those things that you're least excited about? I can take the lead on that."
When asking about the remaining logistics: Say this: "I’ve got the car rental set up, and you handled the flights. What’s the next thing we need to nail down? Getting from the airport to the city or do I need to look at the weather?"
Our Transport Commitment:
If there’s something we know we need to reserve a spot for, we will, but truthfully we leave the majority to spontaneity.
It’s always worth it for us to mosey around on foot and use our sense of smell, sight, and feeling to be pulled into something awesome.
Looking for car rental advice? We usually rent a car, prioritizing local, independent rental companies over international chains like Hertz, to maximize our opportunity for seeing things.
For other travel within the trip, we rely on local knowledge and simple tech.
Say this (when discussing transport): "Let's plan to rent a car to start, but for getting around town, I think there’s taxis and walking seems like a good option too. I’ll pull up google maps and check out the sidewalks.”
Rule #2:
Protect Your Peace
If this is your first international couples vacation, it might be a lot to be together 24/7 in a new environment with different languages, noises, smells, sights, and customs.
Even if you live together, like we do, international trips are full of more interaction than a normal week at home.
You need a way to claim privacy without causing offense and to cut down on disappointment by keeping expectations low.
Our commitment:
The "Low Expectations, Low Battery" Agreement
We agree to plan most activities while we’re there- asking locals for advice or walking until something looks interesting (like the tiny sports bar we went to in Oaxaca, Mexico that ended up-close-and-personal with an authentic bar fight).
This rule seriously removed the disappointment and resentment since there are no pre-imagined schedules to fail or be running late to.
We always plan extra time before and after every activity and transport moment: acknowledging this flexibility is key to our sanity.
Hot tip: Reddit is your friend when planning your international couples trip.
While we don’t pre-book tours, we do a quick, specific type of research to find the best local secrets.
We heavily use Reddit, searching subs for the specific city or region we are in. We look for subs on the place we’re going, and recommendations for "non-touristy" or "hidden gem" bars, restaurants, guides, and beaches.
The real win: we often find local WhatsApp numbers for boat guides, private drivers, or small tour operators that don't have a large online presence or booking website.
This is how we find the truly authentic experiences.
Scripts for Claiming Your Personal Peace:
This needs to be communicated as an ask for self-care, not an escape from your partner.
When you need 45 minutes of silence and you time: Say this: “I’m going to pop my headphones on and listen to the new MFM, can I take the bed? (or “I’ll sit outside to have a little quiet.”)
When your partner is dominating the room and you need them to go: Say this: “Hey, I need to recharge, I’m gonna walk down to that connivence store. I’ll be back at 5, and I’ll have my phone on me.” or “I’m heading out for a walk around the block, I want to process everything we saw today. Can you hold down the fort until I get back?”
The Acceptable Response (Crucial!): Always say: "Got it, sounds good and see you soon." (Never "Why?" or "What are you doing?" or “Why are you doing that to me!?”)
Rule #3:
Acknowledge the Heavy
This one is more me than Liam.
But I know I’m not the only one out there who experiences this feeling while traveling internationally.
The first few days of a trip might include culture shock for some people, but for me, they always involve an emotional ache. Travel brings with it an intense awareness of my privilege and I understand that it’s is there for a reason.
Our commitment:
Acknowledge the Weight and Recommit to Shared Values
Liam knows this is a pattern for me, and he helps me process it, knowing the intense feeling is just a part of me. We use the feeling for action by intentionally focusing our money and time on the local economy.
This mutual focus on our values is a deep act of connection. It brings me so much joy and love that Liam understands and supports me in my values.
Scripts for Emotional Support and Intentional Spending:
Use the internal conflict into a shared mission- the ultimate act of connection.
If/When you are feeling the guilt/sadness overwhelm you: Say this: "I'm feeling that travel guilt kicking in. It's beautiful here, and I’m feeling heavy about our privilege right now. Can we just pause for a minute:"
The Response (Validation and Support): Say this: "Thanks for telling me. I know that you care. I’ll find the local market right now and we’ll have dinner at a family-owned place."
Commit to Action: You can pretty easily figure out if a company, rental, or experience is locally owned or not using the internet. Say: “Let's spend 90% of our money with local shops, artists, and family-run restaurants."
Rule #4:
No Accusations
When you're feeling hunger and exhaustion, boundaries can almost dissolve. We use intentional check-ins, not to assign blame, but to ensure everything is covered.
Our commitment:
Check-In with Curiosity, Never Accusation
Instead of assuming the other person dropped the ball or doesn’t have our best interest in mind, we check in on the status of our flexible plan.
We use a simple system for decision-making: each person gets two things they can insist on or veto per day, a simple way to guarantee both of us feel heard.
Scripts for Cranky Moments:
When your partner snaps at you for a silly reason: Say this (calmly): "That sounds like the exhaustion talking. I'm going to grab us a bottle of water and a five-minute silence break- let's revisit this at noon, once we've had coffee."
To check in on logistics with curiosity: Say this: "I haven't thought about our bus to the coast tomorrow, since I was leading the rental booking, can you just give me a quick status update on that? Are we leaning toward the early bus or the late one?"
To claim a needed activity (Veto Power): Say this: "I'm using a Veto for lunch, we have to try that little noodle stall. I will not compromise on local noodles!!"
Rule #5:
Blame the System
When everything is going wrong: the signs are confusing, the transportation is a mess, or you're running late for the one thing you pre-booked and need to be on time for, the stress is palpable.
And if there’s a pattern of turning on the other partner when things are stressful, this will intensify during an international couples trip.
Commit to neutralizing this by instead turning your combined frustration onto a third party. It’s you and your partner against the challenge, not you against your partner against the challenge.
Our commitment:
Blame the System, Not the Partner
Direct your frustration at the absurdly incorrect translation, the chaotic subway system, the strange weather, or the fact that your backpack doesn’t have a front pocket. Catching on? Blame literally anything other than each other.
This instantly shifts the language from ME vs YOU to US vs. THE PROBLEM. It diffuses conflict from the get-go.
This was super helpful when we were in Santa Teresa, Costa Rica. We were hungry and tired and were en el supermercado picking up veggies to bring home.
Liam was in the produce department when I clocked him: I could sense the frustration from a distance. I watched him try to read something above some produce, bump into the onions, turn around slightly off balance, grab a couple of potatoes, and as he began to walk toward me potatoes in hand… the produce workers started pointing and yelling at him.
We didn’t know it, but in that supermercado, the workers weigh the produce and bag and sticker it right there, before you check out.
I was able to see the process because I was standing farther away, but his vantage point was too close. He was hot, flustered, and visibly annoyed walking toward me…thankfully I knew exactly what to do.
“OMG what a weird system, how could you even know?! Hey baby, give me those and take this (I had a bottle of water) - I’ll finish up here and meet you outside in like 5 minutes.”
Although I sort of wanted to tell him that I could see the process from where I was standing, it really wasn’t that strange, just different than how we do it, and everyone was looking at us with a mixture of sympathy and humor, it wouldn’t have been helpful in the moment.
When we got back to our rental, after an Imperial and some leftover beans and rice, we were able to joke and laugh about how funny we looked bopping around the store with absolutely no clue how things worked.
How red and sweaty we were and how Liam (who is very tall and very blonde) looked like a surfer zombie walking toward me after being chastised for his extremely inappropriate produce behavior.
Now, this silly little story is just another page in our book of travel.
Scripts for Deflecting Blame:
Shift the language from You vs. Me to Us vs. The Problem.
When you’re lost in the subway system: NEVER say: "Why did you think this was the right line?" INSTEAD- say: "Wow, this Paris metro is really trying us. I seriously thought we had it right! Let's try the other exit."
When a local service isn’t what you expected: NEVER say: “I told you we should’ve gone to the other place!” INSTEAD say: “This is wild. I know it’s not what we thought it would be, but it’ll be a great story for when we get home. Let’s get a pastry to celebrate our survival!”
If something gets messed up: NEVER say: “This is exactly why I should book XYZ!” or “I thought you double-checked the time!” INSTEAD say: “This was confusing. Let’s go over there and use our phones to look it up.” or “I’ll go talk to the front desk and see if we can figure it out.” or “Honestly (only if this is true for you!) I’m pretty hungry and I’d rather try that place by the water - want to ditch this plan and head there?”
The Final Reassurance: Say this: “The only thing that matters is that we're here, and we're together, everything else is just logistics.”
Your Ultimate Reward
We know that trying to avoid conflict is not the key to a healthy relationship.
When you successfully navigate the travel stress, you strengthen your relationship more than any perfectly planned couples vacation ever could.
You've seen each other at your lowest, most desperate, hangry, stinky, and jet-lagged.
And you still figured it out, supported each other, and took pleasure in new experiences together.
We believe that the memories created outside of our comfort zone, complete with the chaotic mistakes, the emotional honesty, and the physical limit testing, are the ones that bond us the most.
Now go ahead and book that trip!
The Final Step: Make Your Travel Goals Real
You've learned our five essential rules—but systems work best when you have all the tools.
We created Travel Talk: A Guide to Radically Aligned Couples’ Travel for teamwork that starts before you leave. Get the complete system of 125+ essential questions we use to eliminate necessary travel stress.
It's time to build a travel strategy that works for your relationship.
